Tips on Watching Your Children

Rules of Engagement When Watching Kids at Glencoe Area Parks

Friday, March 30th

You do not take your kids to the park very often.
Perhaps someone else in your family does, but it is plainly obvious that you do not.

If you did frequent the park with small children, you would know that
sand should not be thrown at other kids
infants should not eat dirt and
your daughter should keep her underwear attached to her body at all times.

It is understandable, newbie, that you thought an afternoon at the park with children en tow would be a peaceful experience. But now that you know the truth, you need to learn the varying idiosyncrasies that have come to define a modern park environment.
This is necessary to maintain civil order and could lead to a more receptive greeting from other adults upon your next visit.

Here are a few rules of engagement to consider:
Do muster up the courage to bring your children to the park.
Do not intend to catch up on critical reading activities, which include any newspaper’s Sports section.

If you do bring the Sports section and get as far as your team’s rank in the standings do not be surprised if your children have ingested a couple pounds of sand and impaled other kids with bricks, small logs or rocks.

Do push your daughter on the swing.
Do not reach a level of velocity where the child’s head is inverted to the ground.

Do encourage your children to play on the tire swing.
Do not encourage them to learn first hand about the dangers of centripetal force.

Do step in when your child is not getting along with another on the tornado slide.
Do not accuse the other child of being a malicious brat, spawn of Satan or any other degradation.

Do work peacefully with the other child’s parent or caregiver to resolve disputes peacefully on the playground.
Do not act like Greg Brady’s father and teach your child to box when "calm cool reasoning" does not prevail. Furthermore, do heighten your level of niceness when the opposing parent calls your child a spawn of Satan. Do not unleash holy vengeance upon your adversary’s automobile when they are not looking.

Do strike up a conversation with fellow inexperienced caregivers who are also watching small kids for the first or second time.
Do not ask another more experienced guardian to watch your respective children while you and your new buddy get a cup of coffee together.

Do bring sand toys to the park and share in the fun with your children.
Do not commandeer the project and turn the park into an archeological dig or commercial strip mall development.

And finally, do remember that the playground is a public place. Please do not let your children turn the bushes into a latrine.

Pete Spinner, Owner of Hannah Banana Bread

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